Locked?? post oh yeaaahh

[remarch]

Who: March and the adventures of Bakanary
When: Day 37, Evening


[March is quite fond of the fourth level, with its strange ideas about fresh air and actual sky, which is why he's easily found sitting down on the rusted walk, slightly away from the portraits of the fourth level teams. Just follow the bob of red hair, or the shrill sound of someone idly scraping into the metal with a knife.

Where he definitely isn't considering the best way to eviscerate another team no siree.]

Comments

[asthecrowdies]

Yeah, kinda figured you would but.

[shrug]

Anyway. What happens if this falls through, dude?

[remarch]

What this?

[asthecrowdies]

This being me trying to keep your knives out of my teammates and their passionate fists of protective fury away from your face.

[remarch]

[Holds up two hands, sock puppet style.]

"March, you filthy mongrel-" Wait, that's copper rose, hold on.

[Cough.]

"March, you crazy psychopath, I'm going to make you regret this!"

"I'll kill you."

"For some reason I am stabbed, how did this happen?! There was absolutely no warning that someone might kill me!"

Minus 9999 HP, end cut scene.

[asthecrowdies]

Fuck no. No puppets.

But yeah ok. Next scene. A sweet ass orange bird ninja kills you cuz you murdered my fucking teammate. You get revived minus your testicles or something. Next.

[remarch]

The villain has a come back which involves burning the orange ninja bird's village to the ground, and feeding all the rest of his teammates to a big, hungry dragon.

[asthecrowdies]

Right. And then everyone in the ninja village is resurrected and go on an epic journey to unite the conveniently color coded land against the evil snow clan and I guess also their dragon?? When the fuck did you get a dragon.

[remarch]

Did you really think you were our only option? Anyway, seven of the conveniently color coded land were already united against the evil snow clan, which really hasn't slowed them up much because the evil snow clan is perfectly happy to murder the good guys, their family, their pets, and then burn down all they ever loved, and also they have exploding swords. Everyone is buried, and gets replaced by like-like puppets in all the following games. They're soft, and their stuffing is always warmer than it should be when you cut them open.

If only the idiotic bird clan had, you know? Stopped starting it and taken the initial mutual offer to be left alone?

[asthecrowdies]

Dude we didn't start shit. For the record. You have stabbed three fucking people on my team and you killed one after threatening to torture someone helpless. All of this? You. Don't get me wrong, I want us to be the ones to end it. But you don't get to kill someone and stab someone else and then say you don't know what anyone's problem is.

And I don't think anyone's united against you, dude. Sure maybe they all vote for you in games when they're basically forced to, but you know thats not the same thing as being killed every time you step outside your HQ. And that's pretty much what we're talking about, isn't it?

[remarch]

[Swallows before speaking, forcing his throat to stay wet.]

I did say I was the villain, didn't I? But Duchess has been the one crawling all over me, and Rabbit's the one who came to threaten me- Have I bothered any of you in a week? I haven't, have I? I have better things to do outside games, so why are you coming up to threaten me because other people on your team won't stop speaking to me when I already asked for that? Do you want me to try beating Duchess next time so she gets the message, would that help?

[asthecrowdies]

I swear to god if I could cast a never talk to March again hex on my entire fucking team, I would be all over that dude. I would sew shut the mouth on every plush rumped Canary colored voodoo doll. But gog help me, some of my bros are dumb as a can of shit. I don't actually know why Duch wants to chat you up maybe she's into you?? No wait. Redacted. I can't believe I just thought that. And Rabbit's just posing because he actually thinks he can scare you into fucking off and. Sur fucking prise, he doesn't trust a guy whose stabbed half the team in last month.

So I mean. I know you're trying to not do this. Neither of us want my mouthy fucking teammates and your murder post trauma syndrome to copulate and spawn and unending gore fest?? I think we're on the same page there. But obviously I can't guarantee no one's gonna say something stupid that you won't hear as "hey we're all gonna murder you". So. We some kind of like. I dunno. Fail safe. Some way to recall the nukes incase of launch over cultural differences like whether or not you use a salad fork or what a normal high schooler means when he says war.

[remarch]

[Hold up.

Caught on the first bit.]

She isn't into me, right?

[asthecrowdies]

No. Fuck you. I have no idea we're not talking about this.

[remarch]

You can't bring that up and then not fucking talk about it, I do not need people tacking on more lies to what's apparently my theme named self-harmer dating life.

[asthecrowdies]

Christ you would be into that. Or my like they'd kind of have to be masochists to want to grind against a dude whose only going to have a knife in there that's happy to see anyone?? I didn't bring it up it just happened and now it's unhappening. No no no. If you want to talk about it ask her. Back to apocalypse fail safes dude. Focus.

[remarch]

They'd have to be kind of masochists to decide cutting themselves is atonement for not being able to sleep with you- Is that why she's talking to me now? She's just skipping from NPC to PCs?

[asthecrowdies]

Uh what. That's not why she stabbed herself. What the fuck are you talking about.

[remarch]

Blah blah blah, atonement, no one loves me I'll go kill myself, death fetish, dependency on Canary's opinion, she thinks Canary gave a damn about me because you wanted me to not go shank them. But you seriously haven't noticed every third word out of her mouth is 'King'? King told me to do this, King's opinion, King came after me, King's thoughts, I have secret opinions on King I only bring up while blushing?

[asthecrowdies]

No dude. No. It's just some weird cultural thing where names actually mean jack all. You express your feelings entirely with knives. She thinks names are rank. I dunno man I'm pretty sure I thought everyone grew up with a house full of swords and sex puppets until I was like ten. Ain't gonna judge.

[remarch]

Right, right. You're oh so definitely right.

[asthecrowdies]

Fuck yes I am oh my god I forgot about my unrestrained sex appeal I thought it only worked on au bros.

[remarch]

She wants to make you her sex puppet.

[asthecrowdies]

Well she's gonna have to get in line can we go back to talking about mitigating unmitigated murder now.

[remarch]

So your AU bro is into you?

[asthecrowdies]

Fuck you. That isn't even news I've been fending off his dick since day one.